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The Journal of Markádam
Well whether it's a rare insight into the world of a
"blessed being" or rather a "insane loon" is yet to be
seen. However, markadam has felt the need to publish excerpts from his
life journal here at markadam.net. So you can look for entry's from time
to time from the boy himself, the first is as follows......
Markádam
Journal:
Current Items of Interest:
Books: Coming
Home To Myself - Wynonna Judd Music: Dreaming
Wide Awake / Lizz
Wright Song: One
Day Without - Keren Ann
Favorite Website: ebay.com
Favorite Quotes: Don't be reckless with
people's hearts and don't put up with those who are reckless with yours.
Baz Luhrmann
I'd walk through the
fire if Love is what I'd find.
Wynonna Judd
(Heaven Help My Heart) Fact of the week:
Oneirophobia is the fear of dreams. -)
So I haven’t
posted in a while.. but mainly because I really haven’t been
able to take time for me.. lol.. I know, I know woe is me.. J
But alas it’s back to getting to know me again..
It’s the approach of a new year an I intend to let God
make the most of it.. I
have spent the past week or so reviewing my year and my
behavioral patterns.. a lot of meditation, which has given way
to a lot of prayer, which has given way to a lot of weeping..
lol.. which has given way to a lot of release, which has made
room for growth.
It seems I’ve always been busy trying to be at
the right place, over analyzing things as to do the right thing,
to be the right
person for the situation… always being a human “doing” and
not necessarily a human “being”.. an as I was reading my
latest book (Wisdom From The Monastery) God’s voice (or text
rather..lol) found me.. and it was an “uh huh” moment.. There
was a great passage from Angelus Silesius that read
“Where are you running to? Stay where you are, heaven is within you.
If you look elsewhere you will never find it.”
This simple phrase
has really given me a new perspective.. it’s given me the
freedom to recognize what I’ve know always… that no matter
where I go God is with me and thus will use me accordingly if I
let him. So if I
remain open and focused on God’s will for me, then I won’t
have to worry about being the right person for the moment or
being at the right place, all I have to do is simply be whom God
has me to be every moment and that so works for me.. lol.. J
So as I “report for duty” to God everyday it’s with
the reaffirmed knowledge that the kingdom is truly within and I
don’t have to go hunting it down, an as long as I remain open
God will use me as he sees fit.
Sometimes it may be through my music, my faith or a
simple smile, then others it could be by the sweat of my brow,
but I open to it all as long as the end result gives Glory
above… So here’s to wishing everyone a Happy and Blessed New
Year.. and remember let’s not stress ourselves trying to be
everything to everyone.. remember that God is always with us and
for us and through God all things are possible…
Keepin’
It Righteous,
me J
So I made it cross country to the
hot, sunny, shadeless state know as California.. .lol... and so
far so good... As I am a firm believer your life is what you
make out of it.. and it is you who puts the colors on your
canvas.. So although it's been one hell of a couple weeks.. I'm
thankful for all of it. I'd just
like to say that people should be MADE to drive across country..
to see what our wonderful creator has made.. it was amazing...
the drive was beyond words.. and I was actually sad it ended.. I
would have been fine with driving forever (and trust me I took
enough detours.. lol).. just taking it all in.. with no agenda,
no time frame, just being in the moment.. There really were
moments of awe.. to where I cared about nothing except just
being there with God.. no fear, no worries, no stress.. just
allowing the moment to seize me.. So it was a good thing my
phone didn't get a signal in most places.. because I'm sure I
would be dealing with the aftermath of spontaneous confessions..
that I had the courage for then.. but thank God there are no
towers in the desert.. lol.. But really
not to be too "lifetime" I do think there was some
sort of spiritual awakening... because now I'm having trouble
just being.. lol.. I see a reason to make the most out of every
moment.. which brings a new meaning to seize the day. :-)
But it's all good.. Already God has placed me where she needs
me.. and I'm thankful to him for that.. because living out of
your car for 9 days.. dealing with the small things.. like where
to bathe, pottie.. lol.. or avoiding getting thrown in the
LA County jail.. will try and get the best of you..
lol.. But hey.. you only live once.. ha.. Anywho.. I
hope the summer is finding you all well.. and thanks for all the
calls, e-mails and prayers.. as they are all needed and
appreciated.. I hope to have some pics from my trip up
soon.. although we all know I'm slack and didn't take that
many.. because well I'm just lame.. lol.. Peace
out.. me :-)
So hello my fellow brothers and
sisters of the light.. how does this text find you?? :-)
I'm writing on a bleek winter New York day, where it almost
appears as if the regular tight wound, high strung residents of
the city have taken the day off.. lol.. It's early in the
afternoon and the day is actually relatively quite.
Traffic in Brooklyn in minimal, 46th street is pretty bare and
the sirens haven't been blaring yet.. lol.. A perfect day for
reflection and mediation, and after the past 10 days I've had
it's much needed!... For the past week or so I've basically been
in a time machine going back through the past I used to know as
I made the ever so brave trip back to the Carolinas... and let
me tell you.. it took alot.. lol.. (laughing out loud) I believe
I was in complete paralysis here in the city before I left..
afraid to leave and afraid to stay.. lol.. Going back to visit
was probably the WEIRDEST feeling ever... I've only been in NYC
going on 10 months.. but it feels like it was a lifetime ago
that I left, and going back to visit was like an episode of the
Twilight Zone.. lol.. But it was much needed.. I was
granted hindsight and foresight at the same time.. I got the
chance to see what my life would be like now had I not made the
leap here.. and the gift of knowing that, that is where my roots
are planted and that foundation provides me with the strength to
fly to new horizons, but my wings haven't taken me as far as I
can go just yet. So solace was found in going back, even
if it was just for a short stay. From the drive, to
hopping around to visit my friends and family, it was pretty
emotional and I was glad to be there.. It was great for my moral
to step back and look at where I am and how far God has taken
me, and how much further we've to go together.. but the trip was
a big ol' pat on the back for me.. as getting out of the city
gave me the chance to look at what has been accomplished in the
past year. The life that I've made for myself now and the
ones that I've come from have rarely merged together.. lol.. as
most of the people and places never blurred into one another
(isn't that weird how that happens?).. but it has been extremely
nice to have one of my dearest and closest friends Marla
accompany me back to NYC. It's like joining two parallel
worlds together... and it's been a tad odd but extremely
grand. I guess you could compare it to, having your
boss or co-worker over for dinner.. but multiple it by a 100...
lol.. It's nice for someone that knows me in and out to
come and see what I've gone through and where I'm at.. as most
of the time my excursions have been solo, and only memories to
me.. so it's nice to share my life with someone... But the
week has been amazing and keeps getting better... Actually,
yesterday I found myself in the midst on an over abundance of
blessings.. as I was fortunate enough to meet one of the
greatest influences in my life.. Ms. Naomi Judd :-) Whom
was even more gracious and beautiful in person... It was a spur
of the moment rendezvous.. and we got tickets to her taping for
her new talk show.. (taping here in the City) Being in the
audience was plenty of enough but then I was fortunate enough to
get to speak to her after the show.. it was funny that her and
Wynonna's words and state of mind.. "If we can do it so can
you" and there famous.. "Instead of Why Me? Why Not
Me?".. were the crucial components of me mustering up the
courage to speak to her .. and of course slip her my latest CD.
lol... I conveniently always have on hand.. lol.. and I prayed
to God that I wouldn't come across as tacky or lame, by giving
it to hear....But I think she remembered what it was like
starting out, an she was more than gracious to speak with me...
:-) although I had much more to say.. but my spirit was to
overwhelmed to truly describe just how much of an inspiration
her and her family have been to me.. plus how do you make
yourself sound kewl in moments like that.. lol... But any who..
at least now the two most important musical and inspirational influences
in my life (Wy and Naomi) have music I've created, which was
inspired and encouraged by them.. so it's as it should be.. :-)
and of course if they listen to it and like it and pass it
along.. well then all the better.. But I figure that ball is in
God's court... lol.. and I'll just keep showing up waiting on
God.. But all in all this has been an overly amazing 10
days... and I feel sincerely blessed and wish everyone the best
and all the happiness in the world.. because life truly is to
short not to be.. Keepin'
It Righteous.. Markádam :-)
So I find myself sitting in my little
room in Brooklyn, candles providing the light by which I write
you and music setting the soundtrack to the moment. It's
no surprise that I don't do well with so much "alone"
time on my hands, so perhaps this won't be the most uplifting
entry as I could provide.. lol.. Reflection is the word of
the moment, an it's a process that is an art. For we can
only spend some much time looking at our past, as well as only a
limited amount looking into our future. Normally I fully
embrace this notion, but perhaps now I find myself a bit tethered
from this life I've lived, tumbling around in the winds, being
tossed around by circumstance an unseen forces, that I'm just a
tad to weary to implement it. I've spent the majority of
my adult life going against the grain, fighting the current..
and now perhaps it's just time to relinquish everything and let
the current carry me where it may. I've never been one who
wanted much, God will an always has provided me with all I truly
needed, just sometimes I didn't realize it at then.
However, now I realize all I need is Love.. and that it will
find me.... and that the universe wants it for me.. but maybe
it's waiting for me on the shore.. and I'm still fighting the
tide.. who knows.. All I know is I refuse to drown when I know
the Son is carrying me.. so until then.. Love and only
Love.. :-)
Well Happy New Year everyone.. An I
say that only in the hopes that everyone will really take this
society induced occasion to revisit and revamp their
lives....lol I believe that every dawn of the sun should
be celebrated with as much vigor and passion, as it is at the
time of New Year. But if this gets people to take a deeper
look at their lives in hopes of something better.. so be it..
:-) lol.. For when we take the time to reflect on
our lives the outcome is often beneficial, even if we may not
know it at the time. I've looked back on the past year, an
into the future enough to know that really neither one can harm
or benefit you, as they are both beyond our reach. I
will say that I still do firmly believe the old saying though
"that the best way to change the past is with the
future." I believe that if you aren't happy, if you
aren't being loved and appreciated where you are at, if you're
scared and reclusive an afraid of taking that leap or jump, then
look back and see what your current behavior has gotten
you. Then perhaps, even though the outcome is unsure,
maybe it's ok to make modifications to achieve a better future.
I mean after all if what you've been doing hasn't worked.. what
do you really have to lose?? For example.. lol.. I am extremely
tired of being alone (yeah I know I know.. lol), and thus I will
attempt to change my behavior and rectify the situation..
:-) After viewing my past history, it appears as if I may
perhaps move around just a bit more than one should.. lol (no I
told you so's to those whom may read this..lol) Anywho.. I
have a bad tendency of once I start to lose myself in someone or
some thing I pack my camel and head for the desert, as is
accustomed for Nomads.. lol.. But it is my goal to stick around
just a wee bit longer to see what God will bring my way..
I still have a bad habits of keeping things to myself.. but hey
one thing at a time.. lol.. There is much prayer an meditation happening
on my end and thus I'm opening myself up for whatever blessing
God chooses to unveil upon me. An if months on down the
road I'm still "alone".. and flying solo in this life
that's OK... I surely won't die from it.. But that is the
current state of life for me.. and that's that... I hope
everyone else is well.. and remember.. there is no special
someone that holds the keys to your happiness, it's you..
Sharing that happiness is just much more fun.. :-) Oh..
and PS.. I am hoping to do a "Photo Shoot" soon
(yuck.. lol.. ) so hopefully I'll have some new pics up on
the website.. Talk
care.. and keep it righteous.. me :-)
Wow... so what can I say.. besides
HELLO.. Three months of no entries?? How ever did my
legions of readers manage.. lol.. So reason for the hiatus
was pretty much I was/am sick and tired of being sick and tired
and writing about it. Now I'm on the upswing.. and feel
joy is a feeling worth sharing... :-) I love learning about
myself, and the past few months I've really learned a lot. I'll
share at one point but I'm to tired to take the excursion right
now. Just wanted to say Hi.. hope all is well.. and Merry
Christmas ... because even those Christmas is celebrated during
the ol' Pagan festival known as "Yule".. (an if you'll
be celebrating the winter solstice... remember to wear yellow
and write on yellow paper, with yellow candles if writing to the
universe, it's the color that works best) I still take every
chance I can to celebrate the birth of the Son of God.. because
I just lovesss him so much.. :-) So blessing to ya.. and
remember Heaven is on your side.. so smile a little.. it makes
them want to work harder.. Love -
So there is a MAJOR journal entry
coming, as one of my ALL TIME biggest dreams came true this
week.. but it deserves my full devotion and explanation so I
must wait until I get more than 5 minutes of time to myself to
recap everything.. . But until then here a snapshot of that
moment.. with the thousand words to follow.. :-)
So
I'm pretty sure I've found one of the keys to life.. one that's
been there all along.. and I think I've managed to grasp for a
while.. but it's balance... To much of anything taken out of
moderation is bad for our psyche. There are fine lines amidst
everywhere we humans tread an a shift in the "balance"
can and will cause catastrophic events in an around our
lives...lol. These past weeks I've been relishing over
everything that's happened to me and virtually visiting my
past.. since I've had so much time on my hands.. as my
backpacking trip throughout Italy has been postponed.. lol.. But
I'm glad for these past weeks.. time alone with myself has been
good.. I've revisited my past in hopes to better my future and
I've taken a good hard look at my foundation, the crucial components
of the entity known as markádam. lol... I'm
thankful for all my experiences be they positive or negative,
for I've gained from all the joy, pain, happiness and loss which
has helped me to deal with my present on unto my future.
This brings me to the whole key of balance.. we can allow
ourselves to go crazy in any facet of our lives but if we maintain
a conscious effort to balance ourselves, perhaps this is when we
are at our best. Of course I feel immensely blessed to
have the relationship with God that I do.. and to feel his/her
presence in such a strong way is just beyond words... but I'm
glad I do and I'm glad my spirit has been around the block
enough to grasp this dependency I have on our creator..
lol. It's funny how moving to NYC has amplified my
closeness to God, in a city where people hide their spirituality
from not only others, but sometimes themselves, I feel almost
guilty that I have this innate sense of self in relation to
God. It just seems natural to me that we are all
connected, all a part of one another, and that Love is the light
. I just want to share what I feel, and honey I feel
love.. lol.. :-). This sometimes leaves me feeling like a
solider of the light.. lol.. but again there has to be a balance
between martyrism and beacon hood.. lol.. Cause life
will happen and things will occur, but how we deal with it, that
is the real beauty. As corny as it sounds there truly is a
time for everything, but all in an order of balance. It's
good to struggle but not forever, it's good to love others, but
not to lose yourself, it's good to cry but not to drown in our
tears, it's good to bask in the sun, but don't let it burn you..
an on an on.. you get the picture. I don't know about
everyone else.. all I know is that we are not really effected by
what others do.. only by our perception of why they did
it. I can not say it enough but perception truly is
reality and sometimes it would do wonders to place another
method of perception on something, you would be surprised at the
other alternatives. Start small and work your way up..
lol... But all I can suggest is strive for balance..
finding where you lack it is the first step and then working on
obtaining it is where to go from there. It's all about
investing our energy in things we can control, the worst that we
often find ourselves doing is placing our precious energy into a
situation we have absolutely no control over, and thus it leaves
us drained and frustrated. When if we simply invested that
into something we know we will get something back out of, it can
become a rewarding experience and the other will happen if it is
meant to. So let's pray for balance, inner peace and that
every convenience store will be made to carry
"Yooho's" in NYC.. then my little world will be
complete.. lol.. An a word to those looking in the love
department.. I came across a great motto recently via a great
country song.. (funny I know right??) It's this... "Instead
of looking for a lover, I'm gonna be someone somebody's looking
for.." (the song is "This Heart" by Mila
Mason if anyone wants to iTune it). Peace out and love to
all... Keepin' It Righteous... :-)
Hmmm..
what to write what to write.. I feel a little self indulgent at
times with this journal.. but I do get the occasional e-mail
that makes it worth while.. lol.. I still have my paper journal
which is full of my deep secrets and revelations that those whom
are "astrally challenged" just wouldn't get.. lol..
and when I'm dead and gone it will self destruct upon my
demise.. tee hee.. But I'm glad that people seem to enjoy these
entries. So this week's epiphany??? Welp.. I suppose
it's that we don't hold all the cards... lol.. There is a fine
balance in the universe between destiny and self realization,
one which we tread carefully. Plans are made, goals are
set, roads are sat out upon only to be deviated from or to
result in a completing different resolve. Although I
should keep in mind Uranus was opposite the sun these past few
weeks.. which creates the circumstance for what we thought not
possible to be possible (or in my case vice versa..lol)..
Because after all "it's possible for a plain yellow pumpkin
to become a golden carriage.." ... lol.. sorry couldn't
resist. Point being is yes I believe we do have to pull
our part in this life and we do control certain elements or our
lives.. but there are also times when we just need to forget
it.. there is no fighting God's current.. lol.. and when we
learn not to even try and realize that the light has our best
interest at heart, perhaps we will stress less about ourselves
and others. Of course I still have yet to implement this
24/7 in my own life so please don't let my text present the
illusion I am worry free.. lol.. I wish.. I only know that I am
blessed with the innate understanding that I am part of
something bigger than myself and it's always with me, always
holding my hand and directing me where to go. You can call
it what you will but it's a connection to something,
somewhere. In closing, be kind to yourself, it's ok to
give yourself a pep talk every now an again, to look back at all
the things you've been blessed to accomplish. Visiting
yourself at times in the past is sometimes a great insight into
your future, to the person you'll become and the things you'll
achieve. But just be open to the fact that the future
you've planned my not turn out the way you thought I'm living
proof. However, just because it doesn't turn out the way
you thought, or perhaps you're not where you thought you would
be.. you are who and where you're supposed to be,
regardless. So my fellow friends.. love yourself and one
another.. and don't be afraid to touch another's heart.. for it
may change your life for the better.. :-)
There
are moments in our lives when things feel exactly as they should
be. Often perhaps these do not last quite as long as they
should but during these flickers of serenity doesn't life kick
arse.. lol.. I mean really.. As I sit in the candle light
of my room listening to Ms. Norah Jones, I think God for where I
am and what lies before me. It is such a relief to feel
peace and calm after all the time I've spent working myself up
over things I can not control. To relinquish control and fully
submit to something is amazing and I highly recommend.. there is
so much truth it the Stones song "You Can't Always Get What
You Want".. but you truly might get what you need. It
is so crazy how we can wind ourselves tighter than a top and
have to let ourselves spin out of control until we finally wind
down and see things will be fine. Potential is present
with each sunrise, opportunity is in each turn of the earth, all
we have to do is breathe in an out and make it through the
day. It's taken me a while to realize that I am exactly
where my Creator wants me and I'm proud to be where I'm at doing
what I'm doing, and that statement my friends has been "A
Long Time Coming".. pun intended.. (that's an ancient self
penned song of mine for those unfamiliar.. lol) All
I want to do in life is spread love, uplift people and perhaps
ease their burdens with my existence.. and the one thing that I
can never say enough is no matter what it is you're going
through.. it will get better.. you will prevail and you will be
loved as you were meant to be. It just takes realizing you
are a child of love and deserve it. The universe wants us
to be happy and to fulfill our purpose (and yes I do have a
direct line to the universe for those wondering.. lol) but
sometimes we get in our own way.. worrying and trying to do
things on our own... When the majority of the time, though it
may sound trite, all the universe is asking of us is to show up,
give it what we've got and to keep our hearts pure and our eyes
kind to others, and God will take care of the rest... So
from one whom has had his share of "down and out"
moments.. just know you are loved and if you ever question it..
just give me a call.... I'm listed.. lol.. :-) Keepin' It
Righteous...
So
as I swiftly approach my birthday (it's Aug 8th for those
keeping track), I have realized that to live in the moment, to
truly live in the moment means that you do not worry about the
next. This is a state of mind I am disciplining my
self to grasp, however it of course will take some time.. lol..
I firmly believe all that I need is patiently waiting on me and
will be there when the time comes, I just have to find a way to
convince
my over active, analytical brain of that.. :-) Going with
the flow has certainly always been my strong point, and we all
know I'm no stranger to throwing caution to the wind, so why the
hang up now? Who knows.. perhaps there is an emotional
repercussion of relinquishing all control over to a higher
power... at the point we when realize that as much as we like to
think we are in control, we kinda sorta aren't.. lol... Free
will is unquestionable, but I suppose there is an infallible
plain out there that even us humans can't screw up and that's
the kewl part.. :-) It will be as it's meant to be,
somehow. All I know is the after life had better have one
extensive orientation, because I have a lot of questions..
lol.. So I leave you with my latest revelation.. a
lot can happen in 24 hours.. your world can change for the
better, can change for the worse, or nothing could happen.. but
then all may change in the next 24 hours... as the song says
"what a difference a day makes.. 24 little hours..
" lol.. So what ever you're going through.. just
remember ultimately the universe wants us to be happy (or so I
believe) and eventually we will find eternal bliss, "for
what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is
everlasting" , just "spread your rubber loving and it
bounces back to you".. lol. :-) Well
so I don't know exactly what to write about, so I guess we'll
see what pops up. Life is well, life right now, I have a job, I
have a vision, I have doubts, I have faith an I have an excruciating
matter of the heart, which is a foreign situation to me.
This matter is taking an extreme toll on my emotional stability
and the current moment, not to mention an extreme amount of my
prayer time.... lol. :-). Things (as always) could be better and
things could be worse, but most importantly this is obviously
what God wants for me right now and thus I will carry on, after
all "God does not call the qualified, he/she qualifies the
called." This is what I am heeding, being in the moment,
showing up and letting the universe unfold. Of course I
have my way I would will things, and in certain areas, which I
can't divulge at the current moment.. lol. If they were to work
out not so happily ever after I'll be a little bit under the
weather emotionally for a spell.. but as the Jimmy Buffet song
goes "only time will tell".. So I guess
that's all I've got, the stage is set the curtain has been
raised.. So I'm taking a deep breath, throwing a prayer to the
wind and waiting to see what happens... after all we are only
dreamers.. right?? :-)
Hello
my fine feather friends.. :-).. God totally has a sense of humor
and I'm must be amusing him/her... Sorry I don't think God is
gender specific.. an I feel odd calling God it.. lol.. But
anywho, went to church today and the sermon was VERY good.
During the sermon I decided what I should be doing with my life,
then by the last hymn I totally had no clue.. ROFL.. :-) A quick
run down would be this.. (to paraphrase the minister ....lol)
Sometimes a potter can be making a masterpiece out of clay.. and
all of the sudden the potter smashes it down and begins
again. To the bystander this would appear to be senseless
act, but the potter knows something no one else does. The potter
can feel air pockets in the clay, which once exposed to the
flames of life shall we say.. lol.. would explode. The
potter knowing this levels the clay and builds a stronger,
durable, perfect piece of art. Which leads one to believe
that sometimes when we feel we've been smashed down, that God is
doing this to build us up again, so that we can become the
perfect masterpiece we weren't me to be. Of course I've
always known God has everything under control and knows
best. It's just, well life gets the best of me now and
again, and it's good to have it reaffirmed in
message. Plus being on the fence about current
events in my life sure doesn't help things, but I am totally
submitting myself to God's will and throwing the ball in his/her
court.. lol.. I jumped out of the blenchers into the game, now
I'm letting my creator give me the winning move.. tee hee.. So
whatever you're going through just hang in there the best you
can, it WILL get better.. Love yourself and those around you,
spread the joy and for God's sake LAUGH.... and honey if you
can't find something to laugh about call me.. lol.. Love
and only love... :-)
Wow
what a day! All the complaining I've been doing lately, really
made me feel about 2 inches tall today. How once again
I've managed to let ungratefulness enter my radar, today was a
very somber day for me. During my process of submitting
applications, I was privileged enough to be able to buy someone
lunch. She was out in the rain asking for money, something
provoked me to invite her with me to Wendy's for some
grub. It was amazing, how we all to often just overlook people,
when really they are just like us, and doing the best they
can. I would say she was in she was in her late 40s, her
mother had moved to NY when she was 16, but left home one night
and never came back, she was shifted around in the system for a
couple months (had no other family), but ultimately she ended up
on the streets, in and out of shelters. It was hard
not to let my sadness show through, for I really felt for her,
but she deserved more than my pity. Shelia stays at various
shelters when she can, and basically just tries to get through
each day... which when it comes down to it, we all
are. I asked if she'd every been employed anywhere,
and she said just odd jobs, no one will hire her because of her
appearance, or situation (and let me just say what she's been
through of course will take it's toll, mentally, but she was a
kind soul) housing is to expensive for her and she
has no where else to go. It appears at least here in NYC
homelessness is a staple in the scenery and they at least have
places to sleep if only for a few hours here and there. She
can't leave the city, because first she has no one else, no
family, no friends, and secondly how could she afford it.
A vicious cycle that breaks my heart...So I will definitely
being looking up how I can do my part to help out.. soup
kitchens or whatever.. I just feel the need to at least do
something.... Extra prayers for Shelia
tonight...
***WARNING
WARNING *** :-) This
journal entry, may tend to be sappy and winy as I threw myself
a major pity party today.... lol **************************************** So
ok already... "mercy, mercy" I give...... This
has been a crapper of a week.. so far. I was gainfully
employed for two whole days... and my back is in ruins.. Lucky
me.. Not that I'm a wimp (ok so I'm a total wimp).. but you try
standing on a concrete floor, boxing baseball cards (the boxes
like no higher than your ankles.. mind you.. for 8 hours
straight...with a back that's been advised to have surgery..
(this would be the winy part..lol).. Anywho, I'm still looking
for work.. my other offer I had.. kind of sketched out today,
but it could still be in the running. Funds are beyond
low, however I am anxious to see just how far I can stretch what
I've got! I believe loneliness is starting to set in and
it's a bitch, not only do I miss friendly people (although I
have come across like 5 of them) I miss MY friends... There's no
one to make laugh or shoot the breeze with, no one to sneak into
the movie with, and most importantly no one to give me a
"pep" talk..., or anything.. it's just me.. and I NEED
people and I need are really really big hug... :-).. lol..
I mean you can only go so long without a freakin' hug right?...
woe is me. I would, as is
normal down south, try to make "small talk" with
people but most just look at me really strangely.. and
think I have some sort of "learning" disorder... lol..
But what cha going do... So maybe I'll "make friends"
soon.. that's so grade school..lol... but it WOULD be nice
to have some people to hang out with, grab a cup of coffee (or
cocoa in my case), or just whatever.. so we'll see.. Okay love
blessings to ya.. keepin' it righteous.. markie :-)
So
it's a heated Friday afternoon here in NYC, I'm adjusting to the
hair cut... lol.. and trying to find a job. I've handed
over my needs to the universe, so we'll see what it'll cook up..
I'm going Tuesday for a "trial run" job somewhere on
Long Island... all I know is I have to leave before 6am to get
there by 8:30.. traffic.. So any who, this weekend it's plenty
of alone time, the only two people I know in NYC (my
roomies woe is me.. no friends.. lol) are heading out of town,
so it will be me all alone trying to think of something to
do. Guess I'll keep with the open mics and just walking
around the city, thank God there is an early Sunday open mic..
as my horoscope advised against "solo travel" at
night.. lol.. and God forbid my "meanie" van break
down.. lol..:-) So like a Polaroid moment, we'll see what
develops with the coming week... check back here, same time same
bat channel... :-) Keep It Precious...
There
is a force in the universe that will annihilate any remnants of
happiness and joy one may be grasping to... this force is known
as a bad haircut.. A force of which I have been subject
to. I am in no way addressing the talents of the "glamour
technician", only the end product. It doesn't suit me
and isn't really even close to the pictures I took along with
me. But back to my main statement! In the midst of
the turmoil and uncertainty a bad haircut is almost to much to
endure. I mean I know it's there, every time I'll catch my
reflection in a passing bus or store. I know it shall be
waiting, lurking in the mirror every morning when I wake up, it
has a life force of its own. With inner struggles we can
mask them and put on that happy face until we are left alone to
wallow in our self pity, not so with a bad haircut. It
exposes us to everyone, passing strangers and loved ones alike
there is no way to hide from it's grasp. We know that it's
presence in our life is temporary and that with each day that
passes, we are one day closer to regaining control over our
physical identity, but for now we are in the hands of the dark,
tormenting powers known as "the bad haircut"...
Ok so really it's only a haircut.. but YIKES.. I so didn't need
this right about now.. I thought I was having a panic attack on
6th Ave today, where normally I would jump in my car after a
visit to the salon (and rush home to do damage control), I had
to trek home via the train and bus, until I could run into my
house and try to salvage something of my hair that would be
presentable as me, rather than this imposter I currently am
posing as... So perhaps I'm unstable... or was to attached
to my locks.. maybe I am resistant to change, so I'll turn to my
nature spirit guide, the butterfly. The butterfly is symbolic of
change and immersing beauty. Perhaps the next few weeks
will be my "cocoon" stage, and the new birth will
result in an eventual good hair cut.. lol.. Or maybe I just have
absolutely nothing else to write about.. but you can't tell me
your world has never been rocked by a bad haircut.. :-)
So
you know the old saying "if you don't make decisions, life
makes them for you"? Well from here on out.. I'm
letting life do all the decision making.. lol.. All the clichés
are coming true and this was the last thing I needed. They are
there taunting me in every silent moment.. "be careful what
you wish for", "the grass isn't always greener",
"don't know what you've got, till it's gone".. yada
yada yada.. So I find myself trying to maintain my
balance in midst of this storm, attempting to plant myself
amongst the concrete and become part of the
landscape. Am I where I thought I would be? No. Am I dazed
and confused? Yes. Do I know what the crap I'm
doing? Absolutely not! I'm just trying to roll out
of the bed every morning, face to world with a smile and be open
an active. I know I've not done all I could, or given it
all I have.. but hey.. you trying driving around in the city,
getting honked at, being yelled at, having people beat on your
van because you pulled to far into the crosswalk, and tell me
how anxious you are to get back out there in it.. lol. Why
can't writers nights be writers days??? lol.. The subway is so
much easier. All will be as it is supposed to be, I trust,
I just wish I knew what that was supposed to be. This
month has been the LONGEST month of my entire life, and I've had
to question myself daily, but perhaps this is a means to growth
in some manner. I know God will provide, a job will come along,
friendships will develop, happiness will be fount, a purpose
will be given, soon. For all I know is that I'm only doing what
my heart thought it should, and that all that I want is to fulfill
the purpose this universe has set for me. I have faith
that God's destiny will find me as long as I keep my heart and
soul on the outlook. For things are never as bad as they
seem, and this too shall pass. Love and only love ..
:-)
Ok
so I'm here in the big city!! Haven't been here that long at
all.. but already it seems like months.. lol.. perhaps days in
NYC are measured in dog years?? Who knows.. :-) All
I can say is wow.. what a major difference from the last time I
was here.. I supposed it's because I was at a different place in
my life, and perhaps a different shade of green. Then I
thought this place could make my dreams come true, and
now? Well I'm
sure my chances are better here than in the Carolina's.. but
I've also realized there are other avenues beside living here
that can make things happen. I'm still a bit overwhelmed
with the move but no matter what happens, this was something I
had to do. People (even those closest to me).. will NEVER
be able to realize how this has changed me. In the short
time I have been here, I've had several revelations about my
life, past, present and future... so no matter what happens it
was worth it for that. I've always wanted to be more
grateful for things and this has really helped me with that..
lol.. I'm grateful for my amazing relationship with God,
and how our creator is always there waiting to love us, teach us
and bless us each and everyday. My faith is the one thing that
keeps me going through the darkest moments when we think we are
at the end of the world, our faith brings us into the light. I'm
grateful for my family, whom at more than once or five thousand
times..lol. I've taken for granted and perhaps criticized to
harshly. I'm grateful for being raised by them, for the
foundation that they have given me and the new found respect and
admiration I have for them. I'm grateful for my true
friends, who have shown me (time and time again) they are there
for me no matter what, no matter how much of a freak show I am,
or how much I may rely on them, they are there always..
and I'm more grateful than ever for that... and they know the
feelings and devotion are mutual. All in all I'm just
grateful for all the blessings I've received and those that I've
yet to recognized as well. It's amazing when you stop to
think about life, how truly blessed and gifted each of us are in
so many ways. So here's to love and blessings being
showered upon us all, and when things get you down, just look
up.. The Son is always there, we just have to find him... :-)
Welp
this is the last post I will make as a Carolinian...lol.. My
"meanie" van is packed up and ready to go to the Big
Apple (except for my PC and hair products of course..tee hee)
What a journey these last couple months have been... wow would
be an understatement. As I'm writing this now Jann Arden's
"Hanging By A Thread" is playing on my
"random cycle"... and it's completely
appropriate. I've learned over the past couple months that
I'm a freak show...lol, and for some reason I seem to feel
things extremely deeply, fully and intensely and some times my
heart is truly hanging by a thread. My life is like a
roller coaster with extreme highs and extreme lows, but what a
rush.... I wouldn't be happy living a life where things were
bland or "steady"... it's just not for me. An as
I get ready for this journey to NY, I pray, I take a deep
breath and I go... scared, nervous, excited and anxious I go in
God's caress, reminding myself all will be as it should
be. Most of my life has been lived on my own, just me
finding my way and so it is with the present. With a solid
foundation that keeps me strong, I know to rely on God, be true
to myself and others, be grateful for what I have and
don't be reckless with people's hearts, nor tolerate
recklessness with my own heart. Some lessons I've learned
easily and others have cost me part of my heart. So as I
go to sleep tonight and face a new day tomorrow, I will be
living out one of my dreams, to get to NYC own my own (with the
divine intervention of course) and begin to make a life for
myself. lol... As I'm ending this Joni Mitchell's
"River" is playing... guess I'm getting my river after
all... it's just not how I thought it would be, but I guess I
taught my feet how to fly none the less... :-) For each and
every one of you I wish you everything you could ever want and
more, but most of all I wish you "keep it
precious".... :-) Here's to seeing ya in
the big apple..
Wow... so I really
suck at getting these journal entries in... But I trust to do
better now. So big news, big plans and big dreams... This
year has seen a lot of trial and tribulations and my life as I
knew it has pretty much be torn to shreds, but in the aftermath
there is rebirth. That word has never been so applicable until
now. I am beginning a new journey in my life and it
actually feels like being reborn. The advantage of the
situation is I get to go out into the world, knowing what I know
now. Knowledge that has been hard learned, is now my armor
and weaponry as I emerge into a new land. This year I've
been lost, scared, unsure and heartbroken, but as always each
experience played a part in life's scheme, and I know that God
has brought me this far, and God won't let me go now. I'm
writing, meditating, learning to take care of myself, mentally,
physically and spiritually, an of course laughing all along the
way. Because life is a wonderful mess and at times a beautiful
disaster but I have faith and hope. Faith that God will
but me where God wants me, and hope that the best of me in life
and love is yet to come. So as I get settled into my new surroundings
(which is NYC, for those that don't know), I will write and
perhaps we can both discover ourselves together.,......
Well my fine feathered friends... I'll see you soon and until
then.. May God shower heaven's blessings upon you and love and
only love to ya... :-)
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